Cuz You Gotta Have Faith...

"If You say go, we will go If You say wait, we will wait

If You say step out on the water And they say it can't be done

We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways And the plans that You have laid Are good and true

If You call us to the fire You will not withdraw Your hand

We'll gaze into the flames and look for You"

This morning after a phone call from my really good friend Abigail, I was extremely challenged to really seek what God's purpose for me is. Almost immediately the song above popped into my head. It's one of my favorites and I believe speaks volumes without many words.

Abigail and Tim are adopting and their first appointment going to court is this Tuesday, December 1st. They have been fasting and praying most of the weekend, when in fact the exact opposite is true for the rest of us living in the US.

I recalled to AP the first time she really told me about Winnie. It was some time in the Summer and I remember making plans with her that Saturday to do some shopping and get mani pedi's. She didn't mention the fact that she was fasting and asking God's direction for this little girl she had seen on an adoption website. Abigail and Tim were really seeking God to determine whether or not they should adopt a 4 year old versus waiting on the infant they had desired for so long. She was committed to truly seeking God's answer and not just the answer she wanted.

This challenged me this morning especially because I have truly put "all my eggs in one basket." I applied for a new position at NW and this is really the only one that has come my way in such a long time. I have been ready for a new challenge and career path for awhile now, and even though this is not something I would have jumped at the chance for a few years ago, I feel like it's a really good opportunity for me to use and demonstrate my skills.

The thing is though, this is really my ONE CHANCE to get out of my current job for the foreseeable future. Not good. I'm completely stranded if this doesn't work out.

Also my current "dating-ish/not going to put a label on it" relationship is one that is constantly needing my attention. And i'm so conflicted about it for many reasons, I truly truly need some guidance. All that to say that I am fixing my eyes on the only Person who knows the outcome of these two situations. I have never been very religious, but i've learned from experience that faith can move mountains.

My prayer for today is that not only that I can have that faith (like what AP and Tim have demonstrated) but to listen and hear the answers that are waiting for me.

Home for the Weekend

Thanksgiving is over! Where should I start documenting the moments? Basically I sort of feel like I was back in college and home for the weekend! Why do you ask? Well let's start by the fact that no matter what I volunteered to bring, I was told "it was already being made." I should also say that even though my brother and Emily have been married over 10 years, this is the first holiday we have ever gotten together with them. So here I am back in college driving to moms house ALONE with nothing to bring. This may only be comical to me? Anyways the day started off really well. I ran/walked the Turkey Trot with Kim and then we waited for one of my "good friends" to finish running the 5 mile. After that went up to house where the "whole family" minus me was already cooking, setting the table and watching football of course! Luckily I had the presence of mind to bring a roadie:) And since I've been sick officially for 2 weeks now I was not that fun. Honestly though, who can be fun when their ear hurts so much it makes your jaw hurt and so even eating is a chore?? As lazy as I can be I have never taken two naps in one day! Friday my alarm went off at 6 AM, but ignored it and didn't make it out to Best Buy until 12! Oh well-I don't think I missed much. In the afternoon I drove around some friends of my brothers who don't have a car (long story here.) It was nice to do something for other people, and i'm happy to have had the chance to show them some of our insane shopping traditions!
Fast forward to Saturday and more shopping. Also went to see The Blind Side with mom and dad. Seriously if you haven't seen this movie, run don't walk. Okay now it's Saturday night and since i'm such a wild child, i'm at home blogging! One more day of the weekend-cross your fingers it ends well:)

Turkey Trot medal~ whoo hoo!
Kim has her game face on!

Aidan was chief "don't mess with me"

Alone

I'm not good at being alone. I don't pretend to be. I prefer to always have someone around me, even if I don't want to talk to that person, I want there to be a warm body somewhere nearby.
I think it's because i've always grown up with a strong sense of community and the credo that "we can't do anything alone, everything is done better with a companion." This can apply to all relationships - work, romantic, friendship and family.
So here's the thing: i'm learning to be alone. I'm learning that it's okay to spend a Saturday night alone. That Friday, Saturday, Sunday - they're just like any other night. There's so much pressure to be constantly doing activities and not doing them alone, i've been conditioned to think that if i'm not around someone else that must mean no one wants to be around me. I'm going to bash this lie with everything I have in me. There are tons (okay maybe not tons) but a few people that would love to spend time with me. You just can't always be around those people!
And it's good to be alone. To replenish your inner energy. To discover and think and find the things that you're good at, so that when you're with those people you have something to bring to the table that will make them feel good too.
Now i'm not saying i'm not going to complain about being alone, but I really am going to try and be better at it.

One Week

I'm tempted to start singing "Season of Love" from RENT. How do you measure???
So it's been a week since my visit to the ER. Here's the whole story and it's a little gross in parts...
A month ago, almost exactly to day October 20th I made an appointment to see my doctor. My ear did not feel like and there was some weird crust that had started to take up residence in it as well. Well the substitute doc assured me I was okay since "I didn't even have a fever etc" and sent me on my way. Yes I am a mild hypochondriac, but I was SURE something was wrong with me.
Fast forward to last Friday. I had seriously been going to bed by 9 the entire week because I just didn't feel good. And on Friday weird crusty ear returned! It became increasingly more difficult to hear and I figured I was just getting a cold. Saturday morning I was hanging out with my friend Simi and my ear was literally throbbing with odd stabbing pains. I was pretty sluggish all day and decided to go over to my moms to have her check out the ear. All the while I was in moderate pain. My mom was unable to make heads or tails of the situation because my ear was pretty swollen and also it was very PAINFUL and unable to stand even the slightest touch.
I slept about 2 hours on Saturday night and Sunday was left with no choice but to hit up the ER.
Of course it's lame in there not to mention gross even at a nice suburban hospital and I was pretty low on the totem pole until I almost passed out in the room they put me in.
The doctor confirmed I had an inner AND outer ear infection as well as a perforated eardrum. Nice...not really. Antibiotics, painkillers and cold medicine became the order of the day.
However - the pain did not go away - until Tuesday. Well this is when my eardrum actually burst. Yes burst and that's why the pain stopped. So fast forward to Sunday where I feel okay since sleeping no less than 12 hours a night for the last week. Oh and cleaning the gross aftermath of the burst is also very fun! So if you're wondering why i've been m.i.a. the last few days, no you know...feel bad for me yet???

Cloudy With A Chance Of Sun

I am not particularly feeling sunny today. Now I can almost always complain with the best of them, but it's not for real. Today I am feeling like all I want to do is nag about the unfairness of my life. Oh and other peoples stupidity. Yes stupidity and selfishness are really really the underlying issues today.
I do not understand selfishness AT ALL. I am not always sweet, but a giver-of-myself I am...always. I will show you evidence to support that statement if you don't believe. I'm just not sure why there are a couple of people in my life that always always have to put themselves first? I mean seriously get your head out of your a** because you reap what you sow. And when you so obnoxious behavior...be scurred. Just sayin.
Also since I am on a roll-why must there always be someone who can't just "do" something? You wanted to "do" it right? Whatever that is: take on a new challenge, do something nice for someone else etc etc. Then WHY? WHY must you make such a big deal out of it? I do not want to here all the caveats and ugh moments you are having. No one forced your hand. Don't make me feel bad that you are unable to manage. I've managed much more difficult situations. Just sayin.
So there. Now I feel better. Now I can save the people I talk to all day everyday the very painful process of hearing me groan. Love you guys - thanks for listening!!

Never enough time

This is one of those weeks I wish I would've taken a few days off of work to "just to stuff." I'm always afraid if I take a couple of days and having "nothing" to do then I will just end up running errands or cleaning. Blah. But seriously i've got some things that would be really nice to accomplish if work wasn't getting in the way. Here they are:
1. Making delicious Halloween treats - I haven't really been very crafty lately, but I REALLY REALLY wanna make some goodies to bring to work tomorrow.
2. Perfecting a pot of chili - also for work fun tomorrow
3. Getting a mani/pedi - we all know this is a MUST on my list AND it's my b-day weekend! How can I turn 3-0 with bad nails???
4. Finding a party dress - YES I decided I would be in a dress for the official b-day celebration next week!
5. Cleaning my car - ahh I am a clean freak and the rugs in my car are killing me after having the girls last weekend
6. Hanging pictures that have been sitting in our apt hallway since August-geesh

See??? Why am I at work??? WHY??

zzzzz's

This blog is aptly named after sleep. Why do you ask? Well I am a bad sleeper. I have not been able to sleep more than 7 hours in the last 5 years at least. I must always take something to fall asleep and even then it doesn't keep me sleeping.
Which leads me to my phone. It doesn't help when I never turn it off and it dings, beeps or rings all night. Now granted i've cut off alot of the middle-of-the-night callers, but my twitter updates and emails can't be cut off. Also i've come to find out that alot of people do not communicate with me in ways they should because "they know they can always get ahold of me." Lame. I always answer my phone. Always. So certain people have discovered they don't have to respond in timely ways because I will be available when they do. Not no more! I've started the habit of turning off my phone. Not at night...I will only silence it, because i'd hate to miss someone in distress. But at least twice a day now I will turn it off. Sometimes for ten minutes sometimes for an hour. Not to be mean, but the phone is a convenience, I am not. That's my point. So ladies and gents-if you need something after 11 PM or before 7 AM, you're going to have to plan accordingly:)