Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole

This is seriously how I feel right now. Honestly I just keep asking myself "what am I doing wrong?" For a very long time I have not felt like my best was not good enough. But right now, I can come up with nothing that is good. I'm in more than just a funk. The reality is that things are not going well for me right now. Personally, professionally...all the ally's are not giving me anything to hang on to...it's very sad. I'm in a constant state of feeling sorry for myself and in a more constant state of trying to not feel sorry for myself. The contradiction itself is enough to cause my heartbeat to race.
I am a glass half full person. But as we speak (well I type and you read) my glass is literally half empty. I dunno what to do? Really I don't? I'm trying to quote Bible verses, and stay busy, and exercise, and eat right, and spend time with those that matter...but it's just not adding up:(
I thought...maybe if I go on a vacation? What if I went to Chicago for the weekend? But then I think "I shouldn't travel because what if something happens with work? I'll be mad I spent the money!" But then the me that's always sunny thinks "everything will be fine, and you should surround yourself with people and things that you love."
This post is so depressing...i'm sorry! But, I do feel better getting a little of it out there:)

OK

So it's Sunday (no kidding you say?) Sunday always makes me think of Monday and then suddenly i'm in a horrible mood. Well it's not horrible exactly, it's more malaise peppered with a little anxiety.
I had a horrible week last week. HORRIBLE. Seriously one thing after the next just kept going wrong and I could not get my mind to snap into "I will survive" mode. Without the kindness and friendship of a few key people I would have seriously taken a trip to the middle of nowhere and gladly stayed there.
So i'm thinking this week has got to be different! I must make it different! I've got to gather my killer optimism, by natural energetic bounce and my personal favorite: motivator to all those around me.
I needed alot of motivation last week. So sad because I hate having a pity party. But the pity sometimes is a necessary evil....dontcha think? I feel much better having been patted on the back a few times, but i'm ready to kick it into gear tomorrow! So dare I say this??? But c'mon Monday - show me what you got! I've got an army on my side that can last longer than 24 hours! HA!

I'm Justa Girl

So there are very few times, but every now and then I hate being a girl!

Today was obviously one of those times ha ha! I know I make a big production over "how independent" I am, but getting my car out of the snow is just a pain in my very ample rear!

You would not have wanted to dig my car out either...don't judge!

With that said, here are a couple of other times I also loathe my "girlness."

1. Cramps. Nuff Said.

2. Cleaning the bathroom. Always makes me want to vom!

3. Taking out the trash. So gross.

4. Any sort of activity that has to do with moving.

5. Driving myself home after going out.

6. Driving in general.

7. Going to weddings alone.

8. Straightening my hair.

9. Having to call any sort of customer service place.

10. Picking out a restaurant. Silly I know, but i'd rather you pick!

The Bachelor

Brace yourselves. I haven't been on my soapbox for at least a couple of days! So I know The Bachelor is entertaining and all, i've watched most seasons, but really - is this really the reality that single people live in? Now I know that a good man is hard to find, but these girls are definitely desperate and bordering on having zero self respect. If the guy that you were dating flat out told you he was seeing three other girls - i'm sorry, not seeing sleeping with, would you really stick around to see if he loved you the most? If you would, we gots to talk!!
Okay so I know that this is a tv show and therefore my little rant is slightly ridiculous, but honestly!! When you're a)divorced and on a dating show b)divorced and saying you've never been in love c)divorced and going straight to being engaged to someone else without a little time in between...you might be headed for divorce again. Just sayin.
I just feel bad because it is hard to find someone, but this really really isn't the way to go about it!

Girl Crush

No it's not what you think. But yesterday was a monumental day for me. Ever since I started working out at the gym in Nationwide there's this girl i've tried to talk to a few times, but no instant connection was made (if you know me, you know I love the instant connections:)
This girl is tall, and fit and has the prettiest long blonde hair! Usually she's the type of girl i'd be jealous of, but I gave up being jealous of other people a long time ago!! Her dedication to the gym is truly admirable and I think she works out twice a day (I can't confirm this because it would take a bit of "recon" if you know-what-i'm-sayin!)
So yesterday i'm in the locker room and Allison starts chatting me up! We talked about how we're both trying to read more this year AND work out even when we're tired!! Commonalities!
Then she asks my name and says "oh it's beautiful!"
So Allison who works in the OGC...my new friend!!

Twofer

This is a two-for-one because I did not have the energy to blog yesterday. I had small eyes all day from my late night/early morning on Saturday...but I won't complain about the tiredness, because this weekend was one of the best i've had in a long time!!
Surprisingly for a Monday this one was not bad.
However it wasn't bad because it was R-A-N-D-O-M!
People continue to surprise me both good and bad. Mostly good today. Despite the busyness at work I was not annoyed (bonus!)
Okay so random story of the night. I went out to get my laptop bag out of my trunk and this homeless man comes out of nowhere! Nowhere! "ma'am ma'am he says, I just need some money for white castle. It's cold out here and i'm hungry." Now i'm no fool so I kept a safe distance from him, but I did feel super super bad because it was in fact cold and starting to snow. So I told him "obviously I just came out to my car to get something I have no money on me, but i'll be happy to go and get you some food." So I run upstairs and literally there's not much in my apartment that's giveaway-able.
So I end up finding: a jello cup, a pudding cup, an orange, some chicken salad Kim said wasn't good, Triscuits, Rice Krispies and String Cheese. I don't think he honestly thought I would come back...but I did and tossed the bag at him from a safe distance. The End.

January 23rd

23 is my lucky number. For many reasons such as: David Justice was my original favorite baseball player and he wore the #23, Christian Laettner was my original favorite Duke basketball player and he wore #32 which is 23 reversed. Also there's a way to make my birthday 11-2 add up to 23 (i'll explain in person if anyone ever cares to see how I come up with that.) Also Psalm 23 - when I can't remember any Bible verses, when I can't remember why exactly it is I have faith in God; I can always remember Psalm 23.

So as long as I can remember it's been my number - in softball i've only played with a #23 on my back. Anytime there's an option to pick it, most people know that i've already claimed it. Anytime i'm doing something and the #23 is involved I see it as a "sign" that things will be great (i'm prolly losing some of you with this:) but I won't apologize because this number thing is important to me!

So today is the 23rd and as you suspected I think alot of good things happen to me on this day every month. Today happens to be the birthday of someone I am very close to. Since getting to know this person, even though there have been roller coaster moments, my life is truly better. I am a kinder person because of them. So today on my luckiest day, I wish them a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I hope all your dreams come true and your life is filled with lots of happiness!

So below i've copied Psalm 23 for anyone who wants to read it! Have a great day!

Psalm 23: The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.