Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole

This is seriously how I feel right now. Honestly I just keep asking myself "what am I doing wrong?" For a very long time I have not felt like my best was not good enough. But right now, I can come up with nothing that is good. I'm in more than just a funk. The reality is that things are not going well for me right now. Personally, professionally...all the ally's are not giving me anything to hang on to...it's very sad. I'm in a constant state of feeling sorry for myself and in a more constant state of trying to not feel sorry for myself. The contradiction itself is enough to cause my heartbeat to race.
I am a glass half full person. But as we speak (well I type and you read) my glass is literally half empty. I dunno what to do? Really I don't? I'm trying to quote Bible verses, and stay busy, and exercise, and eat right, and spend time with those that matter...but it's just not adding up:(
I thought...maybe if I go on a vacation? What if I went to Chicago for the weekend? But then I think "I shouldn't travel because what if something happens with work? I'll be mad I spent the money!" But then the me that's always sunny thinks "everything will be fine, and you should surround yourself with people and things that you love."
This post is so depressing...i'm sorry! But, I do feel better getting a little of it out there:)

OK

So it's Sunday (no kidding you say?) Sunday always makes me think of Monday and then suddenly i'm in a horrible mood. Well it's not horrible exactly, it's more malaise peppered with a little anxiety.
I had a horrible week last week. HORRIBLE. Seriously one thing after the next just kept going wrong and I could not get my mind to snap into "I will survive" mode. Without the kindness and friendship of a few key people I would have seriously taken a trip to the middle of nowhere and gladly stayed there.
So i'm thinking this week has got to be different! I must make it different! I've got to gather my killer optimism, by natural energetic bounce and my personal favorite: motivator to all those around me.
I needed alot of motivation last week. So sad because I hate having a pity party. But the pity sometimes is a necessary evil....dontcha think? I feel much better having been patted on the back a few times, but i'm ready to kick it into gear tomorrow! So dare I say this??? But c'mon Monday - show me what you got! I've got an army on my side that can last longer than 24 hours! HA!

Cuz You Gotta Have Faith...

"If You say go, we will go If You say wait, we will wait

If You say step out on the water And they say it can't be done

We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways And the plans that You have laid Are good and true

If You call us to the fire You will not withdraw Your hand

We'll gaze into the flames and look for You"

This morning after a phone call from my really good friend Abigail, I was extremely challenged to really seek what God's purpose for me is. Almost immediately the song above popped into my head. It's one of my favorites and I believe speaks volumes without many words.

Abigail and Tim are adopting and their first appointment going to court is this Tuesday, December 1st. They have been fasting and praying most of the weekend, when in fact the exact opposite is true for the rest of us living in the US.

I recalled to AP the first time she really told me about Winnie. It was some time in the Summer and I remember making plans with her that Saturday to do some shopping and get mani pedi's. She didn't mention the fact that she was fasting and asking God's direction for this little girl she had seen on an adoption website. Abigail and Tim were really seeking God to determine whether or not they should adopt a 4 year old versus waiting on the infant they had desired for so long. She was committed to truly seeking God's answer and not just the answer she wanted.

This challenged me this morning especially because I have truly put "all my eggs in one basket." I applied for a new position at NW and this is really the only one that has come my way in such a long time. I have been ready for a new challenge and career path for awhile now, and even though this is not something I would have jumped at the chance for a few years ago, I feel like it's a really good opportunity for me to use and demonstrate my skills.

The thing is though, this is really my ONE CHANCE to get out of my current job for the foreseeable future. Not good. I'm completely stranded if this doesn't work out.

Also my current "dating-ish/not going to put a label on it" relationship is one that is constantly needing my attention. And i'm so conflicted about it for many reasons, I truly truly need some guidance. All that to say that I am fixing my eyes on the only Person who knows the outcome of these two situations. I have never been very religious, but i've learned from experience that faith can move mountains.

My prayer for today is that not only that I can have that faith (like what AP and Tim have demonstrated) but to listen and hear the answers that are waiting for me.

Patience

Patience is a virtue. We all know that...well we all try and know that, right? My friend Kristin tells me over and over that i'm the most patient person she's ever met. Ya right!

No for real she's always talking about how I wait it out, make educated decisions, don't rush into things etc etc. Then I wait and wait and wait. And i'm sure there are things i'm still waiting on! So lately i've been feeling like she's on to something. I've been waiting 3 or so years to get my career started in Marketing. This week I started my first grad school class for my MBA in Marketing. You have no idear how invigorated I was!

Literally I saw flashes of myself five years ago (think pantsuit with t-shirt underneath so as not to be too stuffy) these are the kind of things I think about when plotting my future-my outfit. No really, let's get back to the point.

Everything happens for a reason-we don't need to go into how many ways i've experienced this. And I think if I started grad school a few years ago when I wanted to, I would probably not have been this motivated to better myself and lets be honest I would have half assed it.

Oh I was jacked like a rabbit yesterday!

I'm so excited! I might even start reading for next Tuesday's class tomorrow! Crazy talk:)

I can see it now "I started my career at Nationwide before transitioning to be one of the leading Marketing consultants in the area." LOVES IT!!

Hello June

I seriously cannot believe it's June! What the heck happened to May? Not that I mind because the weather was a total suckfest in May. Everyday was a worse hair day than the one before it. But as stated in my previous blog some pretty good things have been happening to me...well except one. I did not get the Communications position that I was trying for. It was a super fast process, or lack there of...but looks like i'm stuck being Scoot's assistant for now. It's not so bad, just not a step in the way of my actual career. But as most people who work at NW would concur "we're happy just to a have a job." So I guess I will continue with this leaf turning which has turned out to be quite successful, and do an even better job at this than before.

Wizzark

Okay so usually whenever I talk about work (at least when i'm venting my frustrations) it's not good...blah blah blah. This week, work has been fantastic! No really I am NOT kidding! I've been having some issues with not being challenged and feeling displaced etc and when this happens I totally become numb to things.
So yes admittedly I have been slacking at work for the past few weeks...okay months. I can't help it. I can do my present job with little effort. I know that is sad, and that's why I don't like it. I've been a really hard worker my whole life. Literally I have always been working. I pride myself on doing a good job and making things easier for those around me. I don't do that here. I exert lackluster effort peppered with sarcasm. I'm always telling people, and I quote: "I need to take this more seriously."
So let me rewind to last week. When I decided to turn over a new leaf so to speak. I was really motivated when I worked around people in my group last Thursday instead of sitting by myself in my (cold) cube. Mentally I decided that I would just kick this job in the ass whether or not I liked it and the results have been phenomenal. Almost immediately I was more motivated and felt better about the situation.
Friday I was busy all day....and I had a sense of accomplishment. Even the weekend was really great. Monday I came in with the most energy i've had in weeks here. It was a great day, I was able to help people and most of all I was my super outgoing self, not the surly quiet self that appears at work.
So here comes Tuesday...I am once again filled with energy. A really good work friend who is always looking out for me says via instant messaging that there's a req open in Communications and I would be perfect for it. We all know communicating is my thang! So I look for it, but can't find it...i'm super bummed. Same friend says "call me now!" So I call. Turns out this friend has told my boss (who is also a friend of sorts) about this job and he agrees on the perfection and calls the hiring manager. The hiring manager then calls me and says we'll talk tomorrow (today.)
So we have our weekly team meeting and find out more about the org changes that will affect us...more on that later...then I am to meet with potential new boss.
Meanwhile awesome work friend is giving me a really great pep talk and my current boss comes out of his meeting to do the same. Amazing...these two really care, and i'm getting slightly emotional. I meet with hiring manager and having slight doubts (prior to my pep talks) that I could win him over...I make him LAUGH!! Yes I did it! It's all very early stages, but literally I know all the players and what they want me to do is right up my ally. So I just finished the "official" resume sending and PLEASE everyone - keep your fingers CROSSED!! I'll keep you posted!!

Monday

For the first time in the longest time I can remember:

I do not have a case of the Mondays!

I am seriously in such a good mood, it is shocking.

I'm pretty sure it's because I turned over some new "leaves" at work and some great new relationships that are starting and some bad ones that are ending.

This post will probably be rambly because I feel rambly. All I want to do is talk and spread my cheer to all around me. I had a really great weekend and spent some quality time talking to the "right" people. I have alot of people in my life that just take and take.

It's nice to have a listening ear from time to time and not just people who want to talk about the woes in their own life.

So I was sitting here thinking about this great day and how I feel optimistic about things in the first time in forever and I get this email from Kim:

Subject: This is why we are starting the week off right
A. we ran for a cause on sat
B. we didn’t drink this weekend
C. we went out with new people
D. we saw old friends and caught up with people we don’t always see
E. went to church
F. listened to motivational speaking
Funny how getting out and doing good things makes one feel good!

For real...this true! I've made it to 12:32 and no one has ruined my mood! I'm not going to dare anyone to try, but I really hope I can make this optimism LAST!

To Buy or not the buy?

To buy or not to buy? This is the question i've been pondering at least 18 months. That's right...do the math, that means I've been thinking about it since way back in 2007.

????????????

I just can't decide! When I moved back to Columbus from Chicago, I had literally told myself that I would go back to the ci-tay in a year. Well that was a rough year for me. I didn't/couldn't find a "real" job for almost 6 or 7 months. So I spent my days working at a makeup counter and waitressing (good ole fallback:)
So then another year went by and I finally had some greenbacks, but still not a ton of work experience. Moving to Chicago with little or no "real" work experience is silly and would've put me back to square one.
So FINALLY at the end of '07 I thought I would start looking for a place to call my own. Literally I looked at my 12-14 condos over the course of a few months. It made my head spin.

And the downtown in Columbus is not the downtown in Chicago,

and that truly is my main roadblock.

Well the time has come that I MUST make a decision about this. MUST.

If I rent, it's a matter of finding something reasonable that is nice and newer and is in a desirable area.
If I buy, i've got to get a home loan, find something nice and newer, in a desirable area, that will hold it's value, is close but not too close to my family, is close-ish to work.

See the variables?

One clearly has more demands er-requirements.

I think I made up my mind. I think renting for 6 months and figuring out the relocation during that time and if i'm not going anywhere i'll buy.

Yep, that is the decision. I'm sticking with that plan. For now anyway:)

Follow Your Dreams

So i've been thinking lately as alot of people often do, about following my dreams. I mean everyone has something they would really like to do...be a pilot, a nurse, a clown. What do ask did I want to be? A news reporter. To be more exact, a sports commentator. The funny thing is (or not so funny) is that I never pursued it. I went to college and was a Journalism major but switched to Communications after the first year. I can't even remember why I switched now? Must have been a "really good" reason at the time?
Well these types of decisions come creeping up when you least expect them. In my case it's the year I turn 30 (oh no!) and for the first time i'm really asking the question "what am I doing?"
I sort of feel like i've missed alot of opportunities to follow my dreams especially when it comes to career choices. So when does it become time to "hang up" those dreams and focus on what you're doing right now? I mean as much of a good thing I have going right now at work, it's not what I want to do long term. It's not even what I want to do in the next six months!
So as I continue to dream and most of all execute those dreams...anyone have any thoughts on the subject?